Reconciliation is Hard to Come By

I remember thinking a while back that it would be the end of me when I finally had become disenchanted with the human race. Why? Because I have, at my essence, always been a humanist, a bleeding heart liberal. And when a humanist loses her faith in humanity -- well, what else does she have left? I am not saying that I no longer believe in goodness, or that I don't give people the benefit of the doubt anymore. I am saying, though, that I've become more aware of certain facts about life. And I'm not sure that awakening came at the right time.

Just like a little kid wakes up and realizes one day that her parents aren't always right, I've started to realize during the past year that good people don't always make the best choices. Otherwise good people cheat on their wives, their husbands. They steal. Occasionally they tell lies. They hurt the people they care about most. They take their biggest and brightest gifts for granted. And, even in all of this, they don't always mean to cause any damage. Sometimes it is themselves that they are doing the biggest disservice.

One of my closest friends, Nicole, has always told me (even when I argued vehemently) that sometimes people just make bad choices -- but that doesn't mean we should immediately cross them off. There was a time I would have agreed with her. And I still respect the sentiment, but I am no longer willing to give that much leeway or breathing room -- mostly because I have come to believe so much in consistency. I grew up hearing over and over again the mantra, "Actions speak louder than words." And yes, I do believe that. I'm a writer, but I still know that a pretty promise doesn't mean anything if it's never kept. I know that a card in the mail that says something like "my condolences" means nothing in comparison to someone at the door ready to walk through the fire with you. I know that, in the end, our actions are all we have. They are more important, more honorable than our word. Man is as man does. What else could possibly determine goodness? And integrity? Well, that's simple, isn't it? Integrity is when our actions match our words, and I think it's probably the hardest skill to master.

I guess the point of this all is that my beliefs are out of alignment. I see both sides now, and I have no idea how to reconcile them. I don't know what's right -- it's a humanist's dilemma. I need to have faith in something, but I'm not sure anymore where to place that faith. I can no longer help questioning the way a cynic would question:

Who is worthy of trust? How high of a standard is it fair to place on someone? How open should we be, and just how open should we expect others to be in return? Does potential matter if it is never used? If someone asks how you are five times out of ten, but the other five times they pass you do not give you a second glance, are all efforts of goodness nillified, or does every instance count for something? Is it fair to ourselves to be invariably fair to other people? Is it possible to be too much of a good person? Should we always turn the other cheek?

I know I am not completely a cynic, because at the end of the day, I still choose to turn the other cheek. I still choose to be open, and I hope that others will be open and honest with me in return. But I am starting to wonder if this is the right way to go about things. What I hope is that I'm choosing the way truest to my values, and not that I am simply playing the sucker.